Peltered By The Undeserving
[Tom found flirtatious messages on Mary’s phone.They got into a babble.She dumped him when they couldn’t compromise.He has been trying to woo her back.]
Me:You better think fast,Son!
Tom:I love her..
Me:You do,i can see it.But you think all that stupefaction you are dragging yourself into is worthy?
Tom:You can’t understand bruh..
Me:What i do understand is that you are acting like a half-wit,no offence.You gonna halt your routine for what?A girl who places you as a last option?Come on!You can do better.
Tom.Like hell,i can.What about my feelings?
Me:You wanna talk about feelings?How about you go back to the exciting things you do..FIFA,Swimming,Gambling,Betting..Dude,all those games and movies on your computer..How does that feel?
Tom:I don’t feel like..She broke my heart!
Me:And now she gonna crush it into just veins and arteries and you gonna die.Man up.There are 3,385,657,600 other females in the world right this second.
Tom:Good One,Mr Statistics.What else don’t i know?
Me:Oh!You don’t know that she isn’t gonna waste a tear for you.You are just a cash strapped college dude waiting for a student loan.You are the least of her options.
Tom:My Mary ain’t like that.
Me:So now she’s yours?
Tom:Yeah,imma fight for her..
Me:Good luck with that.I hope you don’t end up being the one on a technical knock out.
Tom: Haha!I am a big boy.
Me:We all are..We all are..
[Two days Later..]
Tom:Man,i guess you were right..
Me:I am never wrong
Tom:I have been calling her like sixty times and she won’t respond to my texts,My Whats App messages,My Facebook chats,My Google+ hangout messages,My DMs
Me:When did you last check up on your old man?
Tom:A fortnight ago..Can’t remember.
Me:Then your Mary can’t remember either.
Tom:Haha!Okay.You almost lost me
Me:You got lost when you acquired epicene qualities.I told you to be a trophy.You still want to be play second fiddle.Well,suits you.
Tom:This girl man..I aint never seen none like her before.
Me:Me neither.Seems she can walk on water like Jesus that you gotta hang on to vanity.
Tom:Man,why you mean?
Tom:Okay!Will work on it.
Me:Don’t work on it.End it.And don’t come to me with The Mary Story again.
[3 Days Later…]
Tom:Bruh,I know you said…
Me:Okay!Stop right there,Son..When do i get my Meakins?Tonight?
Tom:Man,i am talking about serious stuff here and you are injecting booze into our convo…
Me:The only serious stuff right now is that Meakins,anything else you go to a shrink.
Me:I am not listening.Bring me my Meakins.
Me:That is why she left.And you better start embracing that expectant reality.Bring me my bottle.
[Mary is my friend too.But we ain’t that close.The Bro Code thing.Yes.Casual ‘hi’s in the streets.That’s it]
Mary: I am being told Tom wants me back.He has been telling his friends.I am pissed.Why can’t he move on?
Me:It’s Mary,right?I kinda lost your contact..
Mary:You are kidding?
Me:No.I don’t know about you and Tom.So you guys broke up?
Mary:Yeah!A week ago.He found some dude’s texts.We fought.And that’s how it ended.
Me:Am happy for you.
Me:Mary,i respect you.You are my buddy.But those private nonentities aint my thing.They are best solved by the concerned parties.
Mary:[An array of unpalatable epithets]
Me:You are welcome!
[Tom resurfaces.I choose not to mention about my convo with his ex-flame]
Tom:Boss,you have a moment?
Me:For other stuff,Yes.Relationship theatrics,No.
Tom:I think i will end my life.
Me:Go ahead.I will start booking an obituaries space beforehand.
Tom:You are not funny!
Me:Thank you,I need to sleep.Good luck with your felo-de-se.
[A week later.I bump into Tom.He tries to dodge me.But i catch up with him]
Tom:Quit the sarcasm.I came to my senses.I bowed out for good.
Me:Good.Don’t give me the details.Let’s go grab some lunch.The bill on you.We are celebrating your resurrection.
Tom:So now you not gonna gimme a break about that?
Me:Of course,i will.After the eschatological return of Jesus.
[Recommendation:If you are chasing after the undeserving,get out of that mushiness.College has a way of turning grown men into milksops and emasculated thickos,all in the name of relationships.Well,do more important stuff that decorate your resume.Stuff that appraise your worth.Stuff that extrapolate your value.Thank me later]
ass men into milksops and emasculated thickos,all in the name of relationships.Well,do more important stuff that decorate your resume.Stuff that appraise your worth.Stuff that extrapolate your value.Thank me later]
By Evans Wambugu
Follow his blog at This Is Jarvis and get more creative content