Dear ‘Drunk’ Tenant
Dear tenant it is now unfathomable and uncountable times that you have failed to heed my warning, as such I have taken it upon myself to write about your discrepancies to the ministry of irresponsible behavior and resulting sobriety that you may be thoroughly investigated and prosecuted in the final hope that I may find peace and justice in my plight to right the wrongs that u have bequeathed upon me and in my name and embodiment.
Attached below are the events which have led me to believe that you are indeed toxic to my wellbeing, dear tenant please read avidly with full knowledge that your time is up!!
Dear tenant I didn’t mean to throw up all over those immaculate daisies outside that ladies hostel, neither did I intend to create a foe in respect to the matron of the same hostel, but somehow u decided those daisies needed a makeover. I wish you’d have consulted me first since I had taken fish and cornbread and topped it off with some yoghurt. You should know that I live in guilt since nothing on that desecrated daisy patch sprouts anymore, to top it all of me and that nice lady don’t see eye to eye anymore if I may add, she tends to associate me with a prevailing bad influence, the kind you tell your children to avoid. You did wrong by me.
Dear tenant I have never perfected the skill of skating along rails, much less rails of a three storey building so you must imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day feeling like I had brawled with the hounds of hell since the pain on my face was the kind you only talk about in hospitals, also u should have found it in your heart and etiquette reserve to at least tell me you called my then girlfriend twice and told her “YOU LOVE HER” I would have preferred you let me do that on my own accord, like you know once you say something like that you can’t take it back, dear tenant you can be selfish at times.
Dear tenant it is my belief that I can dance or at least move my body in rhythmic motion to a catchy beat or tune but the dancing styles you displayed that gala night at Kimathi University’s bus park weren’t so conventional. Coz even dudes were checking me out, dear tenant in the future I would prefer u consult first, plus u don’t bend over to a hip hop song neither do you dougie to a Jamaican dancehall tune, dear tenant please get your facts right.
Dear tenant you should know that my voice is moderately loud so I don’t appreciate when you go screaming along the corridors of the Greens hostel, u know u wake people up don’t you? Plus most of the things you say don’t reflect well on my person like for example if you say “Huyo dame wa Salon ameiva mbaya na sifichi” how on God’s good earth do you expect me to show myself to my fellow residents after this. In my mind there’s a reserve of Personal shit, impersonal shit and shit that should never come out, Dear tenant I beseech you don’t touch the latter, my shit that shouldn’t come out has been having a tendency of coming out when you’re around and that is not so comforting to myself.
Dear tenant your obsession with females is quite alarming I’m surprised you haven’t been superimposed with harassment charges or even a restraining order, but in your defense you are quite charming, more charming in fact than I could ever be, but lo unto the attractive woman who crosses your path, for a meeting with you proves that the thin line between a stable charming conversation and a heaty sexual uprising can easily be crossed. In this respect you didn’t have to follow that chiq as she club hopped. Yes she had awesome flashy nether and tether areas but still you did you have to point that out to her? And then you had to try to kiss them? But wait she let you kiss them, didn’t she? Also what did you talk about after that? No wait I don’t want to know. So dear tenant I’ve tried unsuccessfully to be faithful to my one and only chiq to no avail, that’s why I’m writing this letter since its quite clear you don’t understand a word I Say.
Dear tenant I have long suspected that you might want to be a disc jockey since I have been experiencing serious sound effects hangover almost every Saturday Morning. I know that you like telling actual Disc jockeys in clubs statements like “Iki Nduru sana wapi bamba” Or your more famous one im guessing you heard this one from a Dj Lyta mix tape “If the news don’t write about this tomorrow then were done with music” I sincerely don’t want any of your actions to be featured on the news so stop using this statement, stop it forever, And as for your other sound effects some classics like “Huyo dame amebeba na sijui nani alimuwekelea” should stop or if you must continue don’t shout them too loud, Nyeri has a propensity for big violent women and I don’t want to wake up reeling from a beating much less that of an angry woman. Speaking of beatings Dear tenant you should know I don’t have any black belt or martial arts proficiency so try and avoid pissing off club bouncers, I don’t want any life changing encounters with anyone’s boot or clenched fist much less from a guy who’s been employed to deliver physical injustice in the likes that I have so vividly described.
Dear tenant im going to write a special report detailing my girth, this is important since you often forget how much liquor I can hold, I can only hold so much, so when you do actually drink an entire bucket of KEG and by bucket I mean bucket, it doesn’t fair well with my digestion, Plus a whole bucket seriously? Who drinks a whole bucket of Keg? You must be one thirsty mother’s Son. Also dear tenant from the quite convincing rumors I’ve come across it is indeed believable that Zappa is a sweet alcoholic drink, but did you have to drink two bottles of it that Saturday, I had a hard time actualizing my eyes to the sight of immense horror when I went to the loo the next morning, seriously don’t take any more of that colored stuff, I don’t think I can handle any more of that.
Dear tenant I appreciate you can be quite charming when you want to be but there some lines you have to be careful about, like when you hit on that female police officer in Komarok I entirely owe my well-being and lack of hand cuffs to two possibilities:
- One either u charmed her into your good graces and she decided to be lenient since it’s not every day a young pleasant man approaches a female traffic cop at an intersection and says “Unajua ule dame karau alikuwa na tight up skirt alikuwa na potential ya kuiva alikuwa anaonyeshwa kwa TV na online circles karibu miezi tatu, Aki ya nani wewe umemchapa Ten Nil” How on earth did you come up with this,
- Two, the other possibility I owe my safety to is the speed with which my friends removed you from the scene on noticing the heights you were scaling, yes the second possibility seems more probable.
Dear tenant one final issue please refrain from bad mouthing innocent civilians, it reflects badly on me as an individual and also it kind of hurts people too, How many times will you hurt our ex, you made the word “FUCK YOU” come alive when you heaped it on her that night at The Happy Times Club so please let’s leave her to her peace and on a more serious note just avoid anywhere you might meet especially when your with other ladies, they tend to bring out a more nasty side of you. Dear tenant just because people are in a moving car doesn’t mean that if you insult them they wont hear you also it doesn’t mean they can’t pull over and beat the blogging out of you so next time you feel an impulse to insult big muscular individuals with a knack for violence in a moving vehicle please think about my blogging career first.
Dear tenant I would also very much appreciate if you let me live now. I understand you complete me.
You help me express feelings I can’t on my own, and yes I bare full responsibility for inviting you those five years ago when I took my first bout of the bottle, but I think I have to let you go in order to find myself and I honestly do feel smothered by your presence and I’ve been in and out of six relationships since we first crossed paths I think I want to see if what im trying to have now can work and if I can actually love again, sincerely this time, Dear tenant I submit my final remarks
Attached is a copy of your eviction notice,
It’s about time we parted ways
“Your sober host”